Life is mental right now. When I say it is mental I mostly mean that I am going mental with everything that I'm trying to manage. Some days are great and I feel like I have total control over what is going on in my body and other days I feel like I'm falling apart, physically and emotionally.
Since September 22nd I have had 13 appointments for my own medical purposes, had lab work done 3 times, taken my children to various appointments, taken my older son to preschool and swimming classes, and attended 2 births as a doula. This was me "scaling back". I scoffed at my diabetes nurse when she suggested I try to cut back on things for a little while. I have 3 kids under the age of 4 and the idea of scaling back is somewhat laughable.
When I look back at this month I realize that I actually HAVE scaled back. The problem is that I have scaled back in areas that I get great enjoyment out of for my own emotional well being. I've only adventured out on one playdate this month (fun but exhausting) and haven't done anything for purely social purposes. I have a coffee date with two girlfriends on Sunday morning and I am giddy with anticipation to get out of the house (sans kids) and NOT have to see any doctors, nurses, dietitians, psychologists or lab techs. Don't get me wrong - they are all great - but enough is enough. I am now attempting to find a balance between giving our children the life that they deserve while also making sure that they have a mother to enjoy it with them who hasn't gone completely nuts (or worse).
Now for some technical data. Type 1 diabetics need to have lab work done (at minimum) every 3 months. They do a blood test called hemoglobin A1c (HbA1c) that measures the average blood glucose concentration over a period of time (about 3 months). When I was diagnosed my A1c was 11.5 and I guess that is uber bad. I think that is about as high as it can go without something really terrible happening. Healthy non-diabetics would have a number more like between 4 and 6. Type 1s aim for a number between 6.5 to 7. The good news is that in the short month since my crisis I am now at 9.0 - a huge improvement in a short time.
In terms of blood glucose levels I am self testing a minimum of 10 times a day; always before meals and 2 hours after as well as at bedtime and anytime I feel "low". My finger tips look like a war zone but I am a little OCD about checking my numbers at this point. Non-diabetics can expect to see their blood sugar range anywhere from 3.8 to 7.8, although most often their bodies would keep the numbers closer to about 4.4 to 6.1. As a diabetic my ranges are more difficult to control as I am doing it with injected insulin so my targets are between 4 and 7 pre-meal and between 5 and 10 two hours after I eat.
Prior to this I had experienced what the average person might consider hypoglycemia - basically an unwell feeling, maybe some shakes, a foul mood and an urgent need to eat asap. Prior to my diagnosis I maybe had that happen once or twice a year, at most, and it was nothing that a little food couldn't easily fix. This is what I assume the average non-diabetic experiences when they wait too long to eat and we've all been there. In these cases blood sugar levels are likely in the 3.8 to 4.4 range and the body with a perfectly normal pancreas will very likely compensate before something really bad happens.
True hypoglycemia is somewhat like this but much, much worse. In my case my legs go to jelly, I get confused, I have trouble walking and my heart races. It is a scary feeling and makes my whole body hurt. After one of these episodes I am exhausted emotionally and physically and the rest of the day is usually a write off. I have been experiencing some lows while we figure out how much insulin I should be using and how my daily activity effects how the insulin works in my body.
I put the kids down for a nap yesterday and felt like it was dipping. I checked and it was 4.1 - low but not extremely low - so I had a quick snack. 10 minutes later I was at 2.6 and could barely function. A scary time since I was alone at home with our kids. I treated with sugar and got it to start coming back up just as Clint was getting home from work. Severe hypoglycemia can cause seizures and loss of consciousness. Neither is an option for me EVER, much less when I am at home parenting by myself.
We have an emergency glucagon injection kit that Clint will hopefully never have to use on me. If he finds me unconscious he will need to inject the glucagon into me. This is basically the same thing EMS would inject if anyone ever called 911 for me. Now, when I heard about this little kit all I could think of was that scene in Pulp Fiction when they have to stab the overdose victim in the chest with a giant needle. I picked up my glucagon a couple of days ago and it is MUCH less dramatic than that (thank goodness!). It really is just a simple syringe and he would inject it in my stomach with no stabbing effort required.
I spoke to someone at the diabetes clinic today that told me that the Chinese word for crisis is 2 characters that each mean "danger" and "opportunity". The danger is all of those scary things that I am at higher risk for (heart attack, stroke, kidney failure, blindness, etc.). The opportunity is that I now have this whole team of people helping me to figure out how to live a long and healthy life. This crisis is my job right now but I get to make decisions, inform myself, make choices and problem solve. I am the CEO of my diabetes, not the other way around.
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