Every time I hear that someone I care about has an unexpected c-section I am sent back to those early days with Nathan 3 years ago. After my water broke I was induced and quickly - in literally just minutes - went from a few extremely mild contractions to full-on hard labour. Add to that the fact that it was the middle of the night so I had not slept and he was "sunny-side up" (occipital posterior) and it took every ounce of determination to make it through the rolling contractions. For those who haven't heard that term it means when the contractions are right on top of one another so the mom doesn't get a "break" in between. Good times. I finally had an epidural when I reached 7 cm and started to involuntarily push.
It took another 9 hours until I reached the pushing stage. Thank goodness I had that epidural!! I pushed for 2 and a half hours and consulted with the OB on-call. She recommended a c-section. Nathan was still facing up with his chin hyperextended and his head tilted toward his shoulder. Any one of these positions would have warranted a c-section.
Little did I know at that time that the hard part was yet to come. I'm not sure what was more difficult during that time: the physical recovery process or the emotional aftermath. It took me until the birth of our twins 2 and a half years later to finally feel like I was completely over the whole experience. I don't want anyone I care about - or anyone, for that matter - to go through that so I'm writing about it in the hopes that I can be of some help.
New moms are likely going to have all the normal and often challenging things to deal with. The following are things many first time moms experience: she likely had a long, hard labour, is learning how to feed her baby, is having major hormonal fluctuations, is experiencing emotions that she may not yet be able to understand or explain and is just plain exhausted.
In the case of an unexpected c-section the mom is now recovering from MAJOR abdominal surgery. AND trying to feed her baby (which is uncomfortable and painful at first), AND not getting enough sleep (which is necessary after surgery), AND she very well may have extreme emotions regarding the actual birth experience. People often think that c-sections are no big deal since they happen so often. I didn't think they were such a big deal until I had one myself. No one is truly prepared for this experience when it happens, even in the case of a planned c-section. You just don't realize how difficult it's going to be.
What can you do? (advice for dads but also applicable to the new mom's family and friends)
Emotionally: Give her the space and time to feel what she is feeling. Listen to her when she talks and validate what she is saying. Tell her that she did a fantastic job in labour and she is amazing for enduring such pain to ensure the safe arrival of her baby. If she gets angry about anything, let her and don't argue back. It may take some time but she will start to feel better emotionally once she starts to feel better physically. If not, then just let her talk. And talk, and talk...... Clint let me talk for many, many months. So did my mom, my sister and my best friend. It is sometimes all that helps.
Physically: Help her get in and out of bed (ask the public health nurse to show you how to do it properly). Help her get comfortable day and night to feed the baby and then pass the baby to her. Take the baby after feedings so that she can nap at least once during the day in the early weeks. Bring her healthy meals where she is most comfortable. Set up everything she needs within arms reach of her "comfy" spot (TV remote, water, granola bars, pain meds, cell phone). Make sure that any baby items are close by where she sleeps too (burp cloths, diapers, wipes, extra sleeper and diaper shirt). Have the baby sleep in your room with you (if you both agree) and set up a change table area there as well. Change the baby before or after feedings so she doesn't have to bend over to do it. Take them to their doctor's appointments and always carry the baby, diaper bag and the car seat for her. Arrange for family and friends to come and HELP (bring meals, do grocery shopping, do laundry, house keeping). If you are a friend or family member who wants to help, BE SPECIFIC about what it is you are willing to do to help (bring a meal, pick-up Starbucks, bring diapers, hold baby while she showers, get groceries, etc.) so that she can decide if she wants/needs it. Encourage her to say no to visitors if she is not up to it or, better yet, say no for her. Make sure she eats regularly and has a shower every day so that she can feel human.
Advice for the new mom
1. Take your meds! When I had my first c-section I wanted to avoid the narcotics they administered as I thought I would do some irreparable damage to my baby. Yes, you want to get off the meds as soon as you can but you are no good to your baby in those early days at home if you are in so much pain that you cannot function. I took Percocet the first time and Oxycontin the second time. This is the really good stuff and they wouldn't give it to you if it wasn't safe. BTW, my babies are all fine!! Once you are at a stage when you can manage the pain a little better alternate taking tylenol at one time and advil a couple of hours later being sure to follow the advise from the doctors and public health nurse on dosing.
2. Try to nap at least once a day in the first few weeks. Even if you can't fall asleep, some time in bed alone can do wonders for your recovery. Feed the baby and pass him/her off to whomever is there to help at that time to burp, change, etc. and try to go right to sleep. This is actually the easiest way to get a nap in because all the oxytocin in your body from breastfeeding will make it almost impossible not to fall asleep!
3. Take any help that anyone offers. People don't offer if they don't actually want to help. If someone offers to bring you a meal, accept it. Even if you won't eat it that day you can save it for the next day or freeze it for some other time. Anytime someone comes over have them do small things for you like carry the laundry, empty the dishwasher, get you a drink, or hold the baby while you go to the bathroom.
4. When people do come to see you tell them that your house is now "self serve". If they want coffee, water or anything else, they need to get it themselves. Tell them that you seriously don't care if they help themselves but that you are just not up to playing hostess. Our house is still self serve and our twins are 6 months old!!
5. Do not feel any guilt over having a c-section. And do not feel any guilt over feeling upset about having a c-section. This advice would is really applicable to any mom who didn't have the birth experience they were hoping for. This was the most difficult thing for me to do. People who have not had an unexpected birth experience don't understand how traumatizing it can be and think that you should simply be happy because you got a healthy baby. Of course you are happy you got a healthy baby!!!! But it is normal and completely ok to be upset that the birth experience and your first few days together did not go how you imagined they would go. Grieve for that loss because it is very real for you whether anyone else understands it or not. Remember that there is at least one other woman out there (me!) that knows exactly how you feel! You will bond with your baby and it will get easier. Give yourself permission to feel whatever you may feel.
6. Don't play the "what if?" game with yourself. I played that game for many months. "What if I hadn't been induced? What if I hadn't fallen the week before he was born? What if I'd asked to go home for a few hours after we first went to the hospital? What if I hadn't gotten the epidural? What if I had changed into a different position? What if I hadn't gained so much weight?" And on, and on. The truth is that you did what was best for you and your baby with the situation that you were in at that particular moment. You may very well have not had any choice in the matter even if it was presented to you that way. Some babies just won't be born the old fashioned way no matter what we do. If you need to blame someone, blame everyone BUT yourself (and your partner and baby, of course). Blame the nurses and doctors if you need to. Blame the protocols of the hospital. This is not your fault and it is ok to be upset about it.
I came to the realization some months after Nathan was born that we both may have not survived his birth had he been born 100 years ago or even yesterday in a 3rd world country. The c-section rate across Canada is between 25-30% and mother and infant mortality is at a all time low. In addition, VBACs (vaginal births after cesareans) are becoming more and more accepted by health care professionals. VBACs are typically successful anywhere from 70-90% of the time depending on the reason for the initial c-section and I personally know 4 women who have had successful VBACs in the last 3 years. I had planned to have one too up until my water broke with the twins and they were still in breech positions. While I struggled for quite some time with my first c-section and attempted to get the twins in position for a VBAC, it was not meant to be for me. At the end of the day I am thankful for the birth experiences I had as I feel they made me stronger both physically and emotionally. I have three beautiful, healthy children and only a small, very faint scar remains.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Second time mom
We had romantic ideas when we decided to have another baby about how much easier it would be after all that we had been through with our first born, Nathan. He had arrived by an unplanned c-section (which I later realized totally traumatized me!) and we had trouble getting nursing off to a good start. We had a rough beginning but that was the tip of the iceberg as we then settled into months of crying. His and mine.
We didn't bond right away and I had those moments when I needed to just put him down and walk away for a few minutes to compose myself. He was about 7 months old when the crying finally started to let up and I started to feel slightly human again. It took another year or so to come out of what I now know must have been postpartum depression. At that point I thought I might be ready to handle having another baby and hoped that this time things would be a bit easier. There were no guarantees for an easy ride but at least I was pretty confident that things could get pretty bad and I would recover, bond with my baby and feel happy again.
Flash forward about 14 months and we now have a 3 year old and 6 month old twins. It may seem like a daunting task to be the mother of twins and an older child, and it is, but things have actually been easier and more enjoyable in some ways in the first few months than the first time around. While there are some days that I still feel like I might go bonkers, it is getting easier (by no means easy) and we have settled into a fairly comfortable routine.
For starters, I knew I was likely going to have a c-section this time. I had hoped that I would be able to avoid it but was well prepared for the extremely high probability of another surgical birth experience. There were no surprises there and I was much less afraid this time as I knew what to expect. Emotionally I had come to term (no pun intended) with the whole process. I also healed so much more easily and quickly this time too. It's amazing what skipping 18 hours of hard labour will do for the recovery process.
I bonded immediately with both babies. Clint was able to take pictures of Colin being born and since he didn't pass out for that the doctor let him video Emily's birth. That helped so much with feeling connected to them both. They also stayed with me from the time they were born, nursed in recovery and were transfered to my postpartum room with me in my arms. Nathan had been taken away and I didn't see him for a couple of hours after he was born. No wonder we didn't bond immediately!
Even though there were two babies this time nursing was so much easier and we had a great start with that. Both of them together didn't cry as much as Nathan did all by himself. What crying they did do was also much less stressful since we were so used to hearing it! Clint was better prepared to be super-dad around the house and our families were more willing to help out this time around too. All things that made our first few weeks at home much easier than the first time.
But nothing compares to the added bonus of having my sweet little boy with me everyday as I try to figure things out. I am so blessed to have an older child to talk to, play games with and chase around the house. Babies can be pretty boring, especially in the first few months before they start to become more social. Nathan makes me laugh, says please and thank you, gives me hugs and kisses and tells me he loves me for no reason other than he just does. He is a fantastic big brother and is so gentle with his baby brother and sister. It's not uncommon for him to tell each of them that he loves them and give them a gentle kiss on the cheek and rub on the head, always ensuring that whatever love he gives to one, he gives the other too. He has never hurt either one and has yet to show any signs of jealousy. He's at an age where he wants to help out and be a part of anything we are doing with the babies. He hands me bibs for spit up, toys when they are dropped and towels after they are bathed. And he likes doing it too!
Our life is a little crazy and a whole lot of loud on most days but we make it work. I guess when people ask me how I manage with twins AND a 3 year old I should just tell them that I wouldn't be able to manage without him :-)
We didn't bond right away and I had those moments when I needed to just put him down and walk away for a few minutes to compose myself. He was about 7 months old when the crying finally started to let up and I started to feel slightly human again. It took another year or so to come out of what I now know must have been postpartum depression. At that point I thought I might be ready to handle having another baby and hoped that this time things would be a bit easier. There were no guarantees for an easy ride but at least I was pretty confident that things could get pretty bad and I would recover, bond with my baby and feel happy again.
Flash forward about 14 months and we now have a 3 year old and 6 month old twins. It may seem like a daunting task to be the mother of twins and an older child, and it is, but things have actually been easier and more enjoyable in some ways in the first few months than the first time around. While there are some days that I still feel like I might go bonkers, it is getting easier (by no means easy) and we have settled into a fairly comfortable routine.
For starters, I knew I was likely going to have a c-section this time. I had hoped that I would be able to avoid it but was well prepared for the extremely high probability of another surgical birth experience. There were no surprises there and I was much less afraid this time as I knew what to expect. Emotionally I had come to term (no pun intended) with the whole process. I also healed so much more easily and quickly this time too. It's amazing what skipping 18 hours of hard labour will do for the recovery process.
I bonded immediately with both babies. Clint was able to take pictures of Colin being born and since he didn't pass out for that the doctor let him video Emily's birth. That helped so much with feeling connected to them both. They also stayed with me from the time they were born, nursed in recovery and were transfered to my postpartum room with me in my arms. Nathan had been taken away and I didn't see him for a couple of hours after he was born. No wonder we didn't bond immediately!
Even though there were two babies this time nursing was so much easier and we had a great start with that. Both of them together didn't cry as much as Nathan did all by himself. What crying they did do was also much less stressful since we were so used to hearing it! Clint was better prepared to be super-dad around the house and our families were more willing to help out this time around too. All things that made our first few weeks at home much easier than the first time.
But nothing compares to the added bonus of having my sweet little boy with me everyday as I try to figure things out. I am so blessed to have an older child to talk to, play games with and chase around the house. Babies can be pretty boring, especially in the first few months before they start to become more social. Nathan makes me laugh, says please and thank you, gives me hugs and kisses and tells me he loves me for no reason other than he just does. He is a fantastic big brother and is so gentle with his baby brother and sister. It's not uncommon for him to tell each of them that he loves them and give them a gentle kiss on the cheek and rub on the head, always ensuring that whatever love he gives to one, he gives the other too. He has never hurt either one and has yet to show any signs of jealousy. He's at an age where he wants to help out and be a part of anything we are doing with the babies. He hands me bibs for spit up, toys when they are dropped and towels after they are bathed. And he likes doing it too!
Our life is a little crazy and a whole lot of loud on most days but we make it work. I guess when people ask me how I manage with twins AND a 3 year old I should just tell them that I wouldn't be able to manage without him :-)
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Returning to work??
I'm nearly 6 months through my maternity leave and the questions have already begun to surface about my plans to return to work. Actually, people began asking me what we planned to do before the babies were even here. While I appreciate the fact that my employer needs to plan to fill my position, it seems so silly for me to be planning for something when it is still so far away.
When we had our first born I wasn't sure I'd ever feel up to returning to work. When I did return to work part-time when he was 19 months old it felt fantastic to be back in the work force again. I appreciated the time I was able to spend with him more and loved feeling like I was making a difference in the lives of the children I taught. It helped that I had a wonderful class, great colleagues and a school admin team that was comfortable letting teachers be effective and successful in their own ways. Best of all I had a fantastic job share partner. If any one of those parts of the formula were missing it could have been a miserable year.
I know for sure that I will not be returning to teaching this fall when the babies turn 1. Being a union employee does have it's benefits and I was able to take an additional school year off (completely unpaid, of course) and still have a job to return to in the fall of 2012. Returning to work this fall just didn't make financial sense to us. I'd have to return full-time just to afford the child care costs associated with having 3 children. Nearly all of my take home pay would have gone straight to child care! Add to that the fact that I'd be putting in long hours, and frequent work on weekends and it just didn't feel right. I wouldn't be able to spend anywhere near the amount of time with my children that I want to.
The only problem is that I love teaching. I LOVE teaching. It is incredibly fulfilling work and I am never bored. No day is ever exactly like the day before and it is difficult to express the feeling you get when you see a child improving and learning over time. I constantly feel like I am learning too which is an added bonus. Plus, kids are really, really funny.
So, now I'm figuring out what to do for work until I need to make the return to work decision in the spring of 2012. I am exploring my options and trying to figure out a way I can do what I love to do (teach) and marry that with what interests me (birthing and babies!). Hmmmmm, Childbirth Educator sounds like the perfect solution to me!!
When we had our first born I wasn't sure I'd ever feel up to returning to work. When I did return to work part-time when he was 19 months old it felt fantastic to be back in the work force again. I appreciated the time I was able to spend with him more and loved feeling like I was making a difference in the lives of the children I taught. It helped that I had a wonderful class, great colleagues and a school admin team that was comfortable letting teachers be effective and successful in their own ways. Best of all I had a fantastic job share partner. If any one of those parts of the formula were missing it could have been a miserable year.
I know for sure that I will not be returning to teaching this fall when the babies turn 1. Being a union employee does have it's benefits and I was able to take an additional school year off (completely unpaid, of course) and still have a job to return to in the fall of 2012. Returning to work this fall just didn't make financial sense to us. I'd have to return full-time just to afford the child care costs associated with having 3 children. Nearly all of my take home pay would have gone straight to child care! Add to that the fact that I'd be putting in long hours, and frequent work on weekends and it just didn't feel right. I wouldn't be able to spend anywhere near the amount of time with my children that I want to.
The only problem is that I love teaching. I LOVE teaching. It is incredibly fulfilling work and I am never bored. No day is ever exactly like the day before and it is difficult to express the feeling you get when you see a child improving and learning over time. I constantly feel like I am learning too which is an added bonus. Plus, kids are really, really funny.
So, now I'm figuring out what to do for work until I need to make the return to work decision in the spring of 2012. I am exploring my options and trying to figure out a way I can do what I love to do (teach) and marry that with what interests me (birthing and babies!). Hmmmmm, Childbirth Educator sounds like the perfect solution to me!!
Friday, January 21, 2011
Twin parenting
People say some really funny things to us when they find out that we have twins and a 3 year old. Many ask extremely inappropriate questions or make rude comments. Even though we already had a baby, being the parents of multiples is very different. We can't really go anywhere with them without countless numbers of people stopping us to ask questions or just stare at the freak show walking by. Read on for some of the things that people have asked us. Maybe you wondered some of these things about us too!
1. "Are they a boy and a girl?" Yes, yes they are. What gave it away? Was it the pink ensemble I have on one and the blue on the other? Clint and I often come up with sarcastic responses that we wish we would have said. One for this one was "They are both boys. We don't believe in gender stereotypes."
2. "Wow. You must be busy/have your hands full/be tired." Seriously.
3. "You have twins??? I would have killed myself if I was having twins." Nice. I'm glad I had them and you didn't then.
4. "My kids are 14/16/18 months apart so that is just as hard as having twins." No, it isn't. It is difficult, I'm sure but you did not have to be pregnant with 2 at once, breastfeed 2 at once, attempt to get them to sleep at the same time, deal with night feedings for 2, etc. I only get 1 year of EI even though I had 2 babies and I get the same amount that everyone else gets even though our expenses are higher. I will likely need to potty train 2, get 2 ready for the first day of school, teach 2 how to drive, and send 2 to university at the same time. That all being said there are some things that are easier or better with twins in my opinion. I can have them share a room, play together, and take them to the doctor at the same time. My family is complete and I don't ever have to be pregnant again (I got two for the price of one), I can feed them essentially the same foods at the same times, their sleep needs are similar so they often nap at the same time and I get to see their special bond develop more and more everyday. Just seeing them smile and laugh at each other each day makes me so thankful that I had them at the same time. I wouldn't have it any other way.
5. "I don't know how you do it." We don't find this comment rude or annoying but the truth is we don't know how we do it either. It is a daily effort and some days are a complete disaster while others are almost too easy.
6. "Do twins run in your family? On your side or your husband's?" Yes, twins run in my family. My maternal aunt and uncle are twins. FYI, it is the amount of eggs released that result in spontaneous fraternal twinning so it is completely the mother's doing. I guess there is a chance that the twinning could run down genetically through a man to his daughter but twinning is not the result of any genetic link to the father of said twins. Grandfather on the maternal side, maybe. Father of twins, no.
7. "Are they identical?" No. A boy and a girl cannot be identical. One is a BOY and one is a GIRL. They are no more genetically alike than any other siblings would be. They simply share the same birthday.
8. "Are they sleeping through the night?" I know every mom gets this question. Ours are not sleeping through the night. But we have cut out night feedings between 11 and 6. They are nearly 6 months old and sometimes protest about this. The good news is that we have them both sharing a room again and they seem to be able to sleep through each others' protests.
9. "How and when did you find out you were having twins?" I actually "knew" right away and kept telling Clint and my best friend that I thought I was pregnant with twins. Never disregard a mother's intuition! We found out officially when I was 7 weeks pregnant by ultrasound. I knew I was pregnant and something wasn't "normal". I actually thought I was miscarrying. So instead of having none we got two!! We are so, so thankful :-)
Retiring Wealthy!
Welcome!
I have opinions about all kinds of things and since I'm the mom to 3 young children I often don't get an opportunity to have many adult conversations. While I love being a mom and feel so very blessed to have such a wonderful family, I do yearn for that piece of adult life that has been temporarily put off. Here and there I do make time for myself to read books, check Facebook, see friends and family and volunteer. But most days I'm kept super busy being a stay-at-home mom raising our children and keeping up with things around the house the best I can. Since we had our twins last year everywhere I go people ask how we are managing and want to know how things are going. Those who are interested can read my blog!
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